Still, still waiting

Sigh...... Still waiting. So what do I do to keep my mind from going to this adoption 24-7? I go to the movies with my kids. I do laundry, although not nearly as often as I should. I hang out with friends and family. I watch TV. I cook. But it's still there in the back of my mind. When will we find our baby? When? I honestly don't know. I do know that life goes on. Things need to get done, laundry needs to be washed, kids need to be fed, and bathrooms need to be cleaned.

I had the opportunity to talk with the mom of one of my daughter's friends, and we spent about an hour just visiting about families and adoption. She mentioned that families usually adopt more than one child. Is that true? I'm not exactly sure. Although I was able to mention two of my besties who are adopted, who were the only ones adopted in their families. Now, having said that, I knew several more who adopted more than one. So, the question is, are we going to be done with just the one? Or is there going to be another baby coming in to our family? I have a hunch, but I'm not going to say either way, because I don't want to focus on that now. I want to focus on my 3 kids at home, and pray for our baby who is coming and most especially pray for his birth mother. I can't tell the future any more than the average person, so I'm going to live in the present, and take care of the things that are right in front of me. Sigh...... I hate waiting.

I wonder why.....

I love TV, as anyone who knows me, knows. I love all sorts of shows. "Girly" shows, medical dramas, scary, action, sci-fi. I use to watch a show about a doctor who was brilliant, but very grumpy. I quit watching for some reason, but occasionally I'll come across a rerun somewhere. The other day, as I was flipping through the stations for something fun to watch, I noticed one of the characters from the show had adopted a baby. This was a single woman who had tried to adopt before, but the birth mother changed her mind. I hadn't watched in a while, so I was happy for her when I saw her sitting in a nursery holding a small bundle wrapped in a blanket that couldn't be anything but a baby. Her friend and co-worker had stopped by to see how she and her baby were doing, but something was definitely wrong. A few minutes into the episode, it was very apparent what was wrong. She hadn't been able to bond with her baby. She mentioned that she didn't feel anything. Her friend was very worried about her, and seemed reluctant to leave them alone together. "I feed her, I change her diaper, I give her what she needs." This woman looked as if she was suffering from Post Partem Depression. But how could she, if she hadn't given birth? It was so weird. The one thought that kept going through my head was, "That's not supposed to be your baby!" She described being disconnected from the baby, and wondering wasn't she supposed to feel all warm and fuzzy inside? She wasn't feeling anything like that. Her friend suggested maybe she was just tired. Nope. She said the baby slept great. She wasn't sleep deprived. As I watched, I thought to myself, it was a good thing we said no to the first file that we were offered. I would hate to go through everything, only to hold a baby and realize it wasn't mine. This baby should have gone to another family. I have faith that when our baby's file is shown to us, we'll know. And when we finally get to bring him home, we'll feel that same connection that you feel when you bring your biological children home from the hospital. That you just know that this is your baby! Because I never want to bring a child into my home, only to realize they were needed somewhere else. That doesn't seem fair to anyone, most especially the baby.

Is It The Same?

The other day I was talking with a good friend, and she brought up loving your adopted kids the same as your biological kids. It was very interesting. I thought about it for a sec, and told her, "I really feel like I'm already connected with his little spirit." It's like when you're first pregnant, and you're excited, and even though you can't feel the baby and you're not showing, you already feel a connection with this little person. You worry about whether or not they're healthy, and you're curious about what they're going to look like. The thing that's different for me, is that I really have no control over anything. When I was pregnant, I didn't drink caffeinated soda's, and I stayed away from artificial sweeteners. I didn't eat sushi, and I didn't lift anything too heavy. I can do all of that now, but it's not going to affect my baby. The only thing I can do at this point is hope and pray that our birth mother is taking care of herself.

But even though I'm not the one that's pregnant, I still feel this connection to our baby. It's hard to explain, and unless you've been there, it's also hard to understand. I know that some people question whether or not we should do this. We already have 3 other children, and they're all older. We have a son with special needs. Shouldn't we be focusing on those children? And to that I say, "What if I had become pregnant? Would it still be an issue? So what's the real problem?" The difference is that this time, we are making a conscience decision about bringing another person into our family. Will I love him the same as I love my other children? Absolutely. Will my other children be neglected? No more than any other children when a new sibling is born. I guess the point I'm trying to make is this. It doesn't matter that our baby is growing in someone else's uterus. What matters is that this child is meant to come to us, and because of that, I already love him.

Still Waiting.....

This Sunday, as I was walking in the foyer at church, a sweet Sister said to me, "I keep waiting to see a baby in your arms." "Me too." I am so frustrated. This Sister and her husband have adopted, and I asked her, "How long did you wait for your daughter?" I really didn't want to hear her answer. "About a year." A year?! I know that there are lots of people who wait years before they adopt, but I am really hoping that we aren't one of those families. Unfortunately, the only thing we can do, is wait. In the words of Inigo Montoya, "I hate wait."

waiting.....

I hate waiting. We've turned in paperwork. We've gone to the birth parent panel. We've figured out where we're putting everyone. We've told our families and friends. We've even told strangers! We've done just about everything we need to. Now......we wait. Have I mentioned how much I hate waiting?