Not The Right Time

This Saturday, some of the ladies in the ward gave our wonderful neighbor Claudia a bike for her birthday. It was so fun. LuAnn gathered all the money, and found the neatest bike on the internet. It was light blue with a bell and a basket. So cute!! A few of us walked over to Claudia's house with the bike, and some balloons attached. Claudia was so excited!
Claudia's husband, Isaac, works at the adoption agency that Kyle and I are going through, and when he saw me, he said, "Ivy, I need to talk to you." He was very mysterious. I asked him, "Is this good news or bad?" He looked at me and said, "I just need to talk to you and Kyle. Is he home?" Nope. He was fishing with his brother. I grabbed my phone, and called Kyle, kind of freaking out. "Kyle, Isaac says he needs to talk to us and you need to come home right now!" Kyle's response: "Yeah, right." Isaac looked at me and said, "I can come by later."
"Okay. Kyle can you be home by 4?"
"Yes."
"Okay. Isaac will be at our house at 4." I was scared, nervous, and excited all at the same time! Could this be it? Are we getting our baby?
Kyle came home at around 130, and my parents came over around 145. I was so glad the came, because it was a great distraction for me. We visited, the girls played with Haley's cake decorating thing she got for Christmas, and Papa took them to the park. Mom and dad left around 415, and I paced, and fidgeted, and finally started on dinner.
Isaac came at around 445. Now, between the time I first talked to Iasaac, and the time Isaac came, I tried to convince myself that he probably just wanted to talk about paperwork, and not to get too excited. But you know me.
Isaac came in, sat down at our table, and said, "I have a baby." OMGOSH!! Then, my stomach dropped. Wait. Aren't I supposed to be feeling excited? Shouldn't I be feeling all warm and fuzzy? Isaac told us a little about the baby, and the birth mother, and he handed us some paperwork to look over. As I read it, he said, "You don't have to say yes." Claudia had told me more than once, "Don't just take the first baby you see just because you're desperate and anxious. It might not be yours." Those thoughts kept going through my mind.
Kyle and I both read the birth mom's history, and I felt so bad for her. She really loved this baby, but she couldn't afford to take care of it. Her friends convinced her to place her baby, and she knew this was the right decision.
After reading everything twice, I looked at Kyle, and said, "What do you think?" "I don't know."
I waited a few seconds, looked at Isaac, and said, "This is not our baby." He completely understood. He said that when he heard of this baby, he wasn't sure if it was ours, but he felt very strongly that we needed to see the paperwork, and make the decision. I honestly feel that the reason we had this experience was so that when the moment was right, we would know for sure. And while my heart broke for this mother, and I hoped that this baby would be okay, I knew that it wasn't our baby, and that I can't save the world.
After Isaac left, I looked at Kyle, and just started to cry. He held me for a moment, and I said, "I really wanted it to be our baby." I gave myself a few minutes to be sad, and then moved on because I know that our baby is waiting somewhere. And our baby will come to us. This was hard, but it was also good because now we also know a little more about the process, and we feel even more prepared. I still feel that he's coming soon, but for now, I'm just going to pray for him and his birth mother, and get things ready in the house. I'm going to focus on James, Lani, and Haley, and getting them through these last 2 weeks of school. Plus, we have a family trip we are taking to California right after school gets out, so that gives me something else to look forward to. So for now, we're just plugging along, doing our thing, and waiting for our baby.