Birth Mother's Love

This Tuesday, Kyle and I had the opportunity to go to our adoption agency, A Act Of Love, and listen to 2 birth mom's tell their story. Needless to say, it was a real tearjerker. As I sat there listening to these 2 women, it hit me really hard that our baby's birth mother must be someone special. These women didn't give up their babies because they were an inconvenience, or because they wanted freedom. These women gave their babies to people who were pretty much strangers, because of faith, and because they wanted their baby to have more than what they could give them. Just remembering it brings tears to my eyes. One of the women was 18 when she placed her little girl, and 9 years later she still cries about it. It was a semi-open adoption, but in the last few years, she has become really close to the family, to the point where she even went on a family vacation to Lake Powell with them. Of course, it wasn't always like that. It took several years for her to get past some of the pain, and move on with her life. And she was just so grateful that this couple were willing to give her daughter the home that she couldn't. My heart just broke for her.
The other woman was 25 when she placed her baby. I couldn't believe it! 25! Most women at that age would just be a single mother, and she thought about it. She was a returned missionary for our church, and had started working at a facility for troubled youth which was very secluded. She started dating one of her co-workers, and one thing led to another. When she told the father she was pregnant, his words were, "Well I guess we should get married." She knew it wasn't right. She was actually about to break up with him when she found out she was pregnant. A few weeks later, while she was trying on wedding dresses, she had this overwhelming feeling it just wasn't right. So, she broke it off. She quit her job, and started working somewhere else. She was very concerned about people judging her and treating her badly, so she bought a ring to wear on her ring finger so no one would question her pregnancy. I don't remember when she knew she couldn't do this, but at some point, she was so upset, she just started praying. She knew that placing her baby was the right decision. After she had been given a few profiles, she knew right away who her baby's parents were. She met them, and they just clicked.
Both of these women talked about how hard it was, going into the hospital with a baby, only to come out without one, but with all of the side effects from childbirth. My heart broke when they talked about that. But the thing that got them through was knowing that they did the right thing for their daughters. Of course, it wasn't easy. The second mom said that a few months later, she showed up on the doorstep of the adoptive parents, just sobbing, asking to hold the baby. To that mom's credit (and I'm not sure if I would have the strength to do this), she said, "She's in her crib." This mother walked the birth mom to the nursery, had her sit down, she turned the lights down, turned on some soothing music, and walked away, letting them have some time together. And that was all that the birth mother needed. It was enough to get her through for a little while longer. This birth mother has since married, and now has 3 children of her own. She said that one day, she and her daughter were talking about her birth sister, and if her mom loved her the same, and she said "No. It's different. I don't love her near as much as I love you and your brothers." I wondered about that, because I can't imagine not loving that baby as much as any other baby you gave birth to, but that's just me. This is what that birth mother needed to feel so that she could move on.
I recently talked to a family member who placed a baby for adoption, and I asked her, "Do you love your other kids different than your baby you placed?" She said, "No! I carried them for 9 months. I love that baby as much as my other kids." So obviously it's different for everyone.
I'm still not sure just how open I want our adoption to be. At this point, I don't want the birth mother to know where we live so she can't just show up. I don't want her to think that she can make any decisions for this child. I want to know her opinion on certain things, but I want her to understand boundaries as well. I was told by both birth mom's and another adoptive mother to set the boundaries right away, and just feel things out. If several years later, we have the opportunity to meet again, and it feels right, then she can have some more contact. I was also told that the agreement needs to be between us and the birth mother, not the baby and the birth mother.
I walked away from that panel with even more love and respect for our birth mother. I can't imagine what she must be going through. I've recently stopped praying for the money to come, because I don't want to focus on that. I've started just praying for the birth mother, and asking for her to be supported through this experience. I pray that she can be strengthened, and that she can get all the medical help she needs, and that she will recognize us as her baby's parents when she sees our profile. And I ask for her to have peace with her decision. Because for now, praying is the only thing left for me to do.