This Tuesday, Kyle and I had the opportunity to go to our adoption agency, A Act Of Love, and listen to 2 birth mom's tell their story. Needless to say, it was a real tearjerker. As I sat there listening to these 2 women, it hit me really hard that our baby's birth mother must be someone special. These women didn't give up their babies because they were an inconvenience, or because they wanted freedom. These women gave their babies to people who were pretty much strangers, because of faith, and because they wanted their baby to have more than what they could give them. Just remembering it brings tears to my eyes. One of the women was 18 when she placed her little girl, and 9 years later she still cries about it. It was a semi-open adoption, but in the last few years, she has become really close to the family, to the point where she even went on a family vacation to Lake Powell with them. Of course, it wasn't always like that. It took several years for her to get past some of the pain, and move on with her life. And she was just so grateful that this couple were willing to give her daughter the home that she couldn't. My heart just broke for her.
The other woman was 25 when she placed her baby. I couldn't believe it! 25! Most women at that age would just be a single mother, and she thought about it. She was a returned missionary for our church, and had started working at a facility for troubled youth which was very secluded. She started dating one of her co-workers, and one thing led to another. When she told the father she was pregnant, his words were, "Well I guess we should get married." She knew it wasn't right. She was actually about to break up with him when she found out she was pregnant. A few weeks later, while she was trying on wedding dresses, she had this overwhelming feeling it just wasn't right. So, she broke it off. She quit her job, and started working somewhere else. She was very concerned about people judging her and treating her badly, so she bought a ring to wear on her ring finger so no one would question her pregnancy. I don't remember when she knew she couldn't do this, but at some point, she was so upset, she just started praying. She knew that placing her baby was the right decision. After she had been given a few profiles, she knew right away who her baby's parents were. She met them, and they just clicked.
Both of these women talked about how hard it was, going into the hospital with a baby, only to come out without one, but with all of the side effects from childbirth. My heart broke when they talked about that. But the thing that got them through was knowing that they did the right thing for their daughters. Of course, it wasn't easy. The second mom said that a few months later, she showed up on the doorstep of the adoptive parents, just sobbing, asking to hold the baby. To that mom's credit (and I'm not sure if I would have the strength to do this), she said, "She's in her crib." This mother walked the birth mom to the nursery, had her sit down, she turned the lights down, turned on some soothing music, and walked away, letting them have some time together. And that was all that the birth mother needed. It was enough to get her through for a little while longer. This birth mother has since married, and now has 3 children of her own. She said that one day, she and her daughter were talking about her birth sister, and if her mom loved her the same, and she said "No. It's different. I don't love her near as much as I love you and your brothers." I wondered about that, because I can't imagine not loving that baby as much as any other baby you gave birth to, but that's just me. This is what that birth mother needed to feel so that she could move on.
I recently talked to a family member who placed a baby for adoption, and I asked her, "Do you love your other kids different than your baby you placed?" She said, "No! I carried them for 9 months. I love that baby as much as my other kids." So obviously it's different for everyone.
I'm still not sure just how open I want our adoption to be. At this point, I don't want the birth mother to know where we live so she can't just show up. I don't want her to think that she can make any decisions for this child. I want to know her opinion on certain things, but I want her to understand boundaries as well. I was told by both birth mom's and another adoptive mother to set the boundaries right away, and just feel things out. If several years later, we have the opportunity to meet again, and it feels right, then she can have some more contact. I was also told that the agreement needs to be between us and the birth mother, not the baby and the birth mother.
I walked away from that panel with even more love and respect for our birth mother. I can't imagine what she must be going through. I've recently stopped praying for the money to come, because I don't want to focus on that. I've started just praying for the birth mother, and asking for her to be supported through this experience. I pray that she can be strengthened, and that she can get all the medical help she needs, and that she will recognize us as her baby's parents when she sees our profile. And I ask for her to have peace with her decision. Because for now, praying is the only thing left for me to do.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Not The Right Time
This Saturday, some of the ladies in the ward gave our wonderful neighbor Claudia a bike for her birthday. It was so fun. LuAnn gathered all the money, and found the neatest bike on the internet. It was light blue with a bell and a basket. So cute!! A few of us walked over to Claudia's house with the bike, and some balloons attached. Claudia was so excited!
Claudia's husband, Isaac, works at the adoption agency that Kyle and I are going through, and when he saw me, he said, "Ivy, I need to talk to you." He was very mysterious. I asked him, "Is this good news or bad?" He looked at me and said, "I just need to talk to you and Kyle. Is he home?" Nope. He was fishing with his brother. I grabbed my phone, and called Kyle, kind of freaking out. "Kyle, Isaac says he needs to talk to us and you need to come home right now!" Kyle's response: "Yeah, right." Isaac looked at me and said, "I can come by later."
"Okay. Kyle can you be home by 4?"
"Yes."
"Okay. Isaac will be at our house at 4." I was scared, nervous, and excited all at the same time! Could this be it? Are we getting our baby?
Kyle came home at around 130, and my parents came over around 145. I was so glad the came, because it was a great distraction for me. We visited, the girls played with Haley's cake decorating thing she got for Christmas, and Papa took them to the park. Mom and dad left around 415, and I paced, and fidgeted, and finally started on dinner.
Isaac came at around 445. Now, between the time I first talked to Iasaac, and the time Isaac came, I tried to convince myself that he probably just wanted to talk about paperwork, and not to get too excited. But you know me.
Isaac came in, sat down at our table, and said, "I have a baby." OMGOSH!! Then, my stomach dropped. Wait. Aren't I supposed to be feeling excited? Shouldn't I be feeling all warm and fuzzy? Isaac told us a little about the baby, and the birth mother, and he handed us some paperwork to look over. As I read it, he said, "You don't have to say yes." Claudia had told me more than once, "Don't just take the first baby you see just because you're desperate and anxious. It might not be yours." Those thoughts kept going through my mind.
Kyle and I both read the birth mom's history, and I felt so bad for her. She really loved this baby, but she couldn't afford to take care of it. Her friends convinced her to place her baby, and she knew this was the right decision.
After reading everything twice, I looked at Kyle, and said, "What do you think?" "I don't know."
I waited a few seconds, looked at Isaac, and said, "This is not our baby." He completely understood. He said that when he heard of this baby, he wasn't sure if it was ours, but he felt very strongly that we needed to see the paperwork, and make the decision. I honestly feel that the reason we had this experience was so that when the moment was right, we would know for sure. And while my heart broke for this mother, and I hoped that this baby would be okay, I knew that it wasn't our baby, and that I can't save the world.
After Isaac left, I looked at Kyle, and just started to cry. He held me for a moment, and I said, "I really wanted it to be our baby." I gave myself a few minutes to be sad, and then moved on because I know that our baby is waiting somewhere. And our baby will come to us. This was hard, but it was also good because now we also know a little more about the process, and we feel even more prepared. I still feel that he's coming soon, but for now, I'm just going to pray for him and his birth mother, and get things ready in the house. I'm going to focus on James, Lani, and Haley, and getting them through these last 2 weeks of school. Plus, we have a family trip we are taking to California right after school gets out, so that gives me something else to look forward to. So for now, we're just plugging along, doing our thing, and waiting for our baby.
Claudia's husband, Isaac, works at the adoption agency that Kyle and I are going through, and when he saw me, he said, "Ivy, I need to talk to you." He was very mysterious. I asked him, "Is this good news or bad?" He looked at me and said, "I just need to talk to you and Kyle. Is he home?" Nope. He was fishing with his brother. I grabbed my phone, and called Kyle, kind of freaking out. "Kyle, Isaac says he needs to talk to us and you need to come home right now!" Kyle's response: "Yeah, right." Isaac looked at me and said, "I can come by later."
"Okay. Kyle can you be home by 4?"
"Yes."
"Okay. Isaac will be at our house at 4." I was scared, nervous, and excited all at the same time! Could this be it? Are we getting our baby?
Kyle came home at around 130, and my parents came over around 145. I was so glad the came, because it was a great distraction for me. We visited, the girls played with Haley's cake decorating thing she got for Christmas, and Papa took them to the park. Mom and dad left around 415, and I paced, and fidgeted, and finally started on dinner.
Isaac came at around 445. Now, between the time I first talked to Iasaac, and the time Isaac came, I tried to convince myself that he probably just wanted to talk about paperwork, and not to get too excited. But you know me.
Isaac came in, sat down at our table, and said, "I have a baby." OMGOSH!! Then, my stomach dropped. Wait. Aren't I supposed to be feeling excited? Shouldn't I be feeling all warm and fuzzy? Isaac told us a little about the baby, and the birth mother, and he handed us some paperwork to look over. As I read it, he said, "You don't have to say yes." Claudia had told me more than once, "Don't just take the first baby you see just because you're desperate and anxious. It might not be yours." Those thoughts kept going through my mind.
Kyle and I both read the birth mom's history, and I felt so bad for her. She really loved this baby, but she couldn't afford to take care of it. Her friends convinced her to place her baby, and she knew this was the right decision.
After reading everything twice, I looked at Kyle, and said, "What do you think?" "I don't know."
I waited a few seconds, looked at Isaac, and said, "This is not our baby." He completely understood. He said that when he heard of this baby, he wasn't sure if it was ours, but he felt very strongly that we needed to see the paperwork, and make the decision. I honestly feel that the reason we had this experience was so that when the moment was right, we would know for sure. And while my heart broke for this mother, and I hoped that this baby would be okay, I knew that it wasn't our baby, and that I can't save the world.
After Isaac left, I looked at Kyle, and just started to cry. He held me for a moment, and I said, "I really wanted it to be our baby." I gave myself a few minutes to be sad, and then moved on because I know that our baby is waiting somewhere. And our baby will come to us. This was hard, but it was also good because now we also know a little more about the process, and we feel even more prepared. I still feel that he's coming soon, but for now, I'm just going to pray for him and his birth mother, and get things ready in the house. I'm going to focus on James, Lani, and Haley, and getting them through these last 2 weeks of school. Plus, we have a family trip we are taking to California right after school gets out, so that gives me something else to look forward to. So for now, we're just plugging along, doing our thing, and waiting for our baby.
A New Chapter
I posted a few times about our adoption, but I thought that if I started a blog just about this adoption, I could get more in detail. Hope that makes sense.
Kyle and I started this adoption process in the beginning of March. We met with a Social Worker for our agency, A Act Of Love, and started the process. We were handed a stack, and by stack I mean stack, of paperwork. We had to fill out financial forms, get physicals, have proof of insurance, get 5 reference letters, and write 2 different letters to the birth parents. This has not been an easy road.
Some have said, "You're kids are already big. Why now?" Well, I believe that timing is everything. I know that this is the right time. This is an immensely personal experience, and the only reassurance I can give is that we were prompted to take this step. I had felt for years that we weren't finished having children. But my pregnancies were so hard, and I had a preemie and I was on bed rest with my youngest. We prayed, and we felt that Kyle needed to have a vasectomy. So, that's what we did. And yet, I still felt this little boy waiting to come to us.
That was so frustrating. At one point, I prayed, and I said, "Why did you tell us Kyle's surgery was the right thing, if you were going to tell us to have another baby?" For years, whenever adoption was brought up, Kyle's response was, "No. I don't think I would be able to treat it the same. It would always be someone else's kid." I knew that wasn't true. I knew that once they placed that baby in your arms, you would just know it's yours. That's what I've heard from adoptive parents. That was what I felt to be true.
You can imagine my surprise when one morning, as I was sitting in the pew at church, I had this fear that someone was missing. One of my kids was gone. I looked, and I counted all 3 of them. No, they're all here. Oh, no. I knew what that meant. So, I started praying. "Is this me being a drama queen?" "No." "Okay. Well, we can't afford adoption." "Have faith, and the Lord will provide." "Fine. But, Kyle and I are always on the brink of divorce." "You will not get divorced." I finally stopped arguing, and said, "Okay, but you're going to have to tell Kyle." Leilani was sitting between us, so I asked her to move. I looked at Kyle, and I whispered, "Someone is missing." "What?!" he hissed at me. Throughout that morning, I struggled with what I was feeling. I remembered a few months before, where I had this dream that Kyle and I were trying to get pregnant with a baby boy. In that dream I said, "Kyle, we can't have a baby." As I was waking up, I prayed and said, "Heavenly Father, I will do what you want me to do. Just tell me." I never expected him to answer me like this.
After we came home from church, I asked Kyle if he was ready to talk about this. "No." But he was just joking. He said, "You can't get pregnant again." "I know." Then he looked at me, and said, "We'll have to get a bigger house." "Well, Haley has bunk beds, so when the baby is bigger, we can move the baby in with her." Kyle looked at me and said, "You're going to put Haley with a boy?" "Uh, who said it was a boy?" At that point, I knew that Kyle knew. Later he told me he knew I was right when I approached him, and he knew that the money would come.
I know that to some people, Kyle and I are just baby hungry. And not everyone understands what we mean by promptings. And I know that some people even disagree with us. But here's the thing....it doesn't matter. What matters is that we know this is right. We KNOW that there's a baby boy waiting to come to us. We know that somewhere, there's a birth mother, trying to figure out what's best for her baby. And we know that when the time is right, our son will come to us.
Kyle and I started this adoption process in the beginning of March. We met with a Social Worker for our agency, A Act Of Love, and started the process. We were handed a stack, and by stack I mean stack, of paperwork. We had to fill out financial forms, get physicals, have proof of insurance, get 5 reference letters, and write 2 different letters to the birth parents. This has not been an easy road.
Some have said, "You're kids are already big. Why now?" Well, I believe that timing is everything. I know that this is the right time. This is an immensely personal experience, and the only reassurance I can give is that we were prompted to take this step. I had felt for years that we weren't finished having children. But my pregnancies were so hard, and I had a preemie and I was on bed rest with my youngest. We prayed, and we felt that Kyle needed to have a vasectomy. So, that's what we did. And yet, I still felt this little boy waiting to come to us.
That was so frustrating. At one point, I prayed, and I said, "Why did you tell us Kyle's surgery was the right thing, if you were going to tell us to have another baby?" For years, whenever adoption was brought up, Kyle's response was, "No. I don't think I would be able to treat it the same. It would always be someone else's kid." I knew that wasn't true. I knew that once they placed that baby in your arms, you would just know it's yours. That's what I've heard from adoptive parents. That was what I felt to be true.
You can imagine my surprise when one morning, as I was sitting in the pew at church, I had this fear that someone was missing. One of my kids was gone. I looked, and I counted all 3 of them. No, they're all here. Oh, no. I knew what that meant. So, I started praying. "Is this me being a drama queen?" "No." "Okay. Well, we can't afford adoption." "Have faith, and the Lord will provide." "Fine. But, Kyle and I are always on the brink of divorce." "You will not get divorced." I finally stopped arguing, and said, "Okay, but you're going to have to tell Kyle." Leilani was sitting between us, so I asked her to move. I looked at Kyle, and I whispered, "Someone is missing." "What?!" he hissed at me. Throughout that morning, I struggled with what I was feeling. I remembered a few months before, where I had this dream that Kyle and I were trying to get pregnant with a baby boy. In that dream I said, "Kyle, we can't have a baby." As I was waking up, I prayed and said, "Heavenly Father, I will do what you want me to do. Just tell me." I never expected him to answer me like this.
After we came home from church, I asked Kyle if he was ready to talk about this. "No." But he was just joking. He said, "You can't get pregnant again." "I know." Then he looked at me, and said, "We'll have to get a bigger house." "Well, Haley has bunk beds, so when the baby is bigger, we can move the baby in with her." Kyle looked at me and said, "You're going to put Haley with a boy?" "Uh, who said it was a boy?" At that point, I knew that Kyle knew. Later he told me he knew I was right when I approached him, and he knew that the money would come.
I know that to some people, Kyle and I are just baby hungry. And not everyone understands what we mean by promptings. And I know that some people even disagree with us. But here's the thing....it doesn't matter. What matters is that we know this is right. We KNOW that there's a baby boy waiting to come to us. We know that somewhere, there's a birth mother, trying to figure out what's best for her baby. And we know that when the time is right, our son will come to us.
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